Archive for the ‘Food and Spirits’ Category

don’t hate the player; hate the game

In Communication, Entertainment and Nightlife, Food and Spirits, Health and Wellness, Relationships, Technology on December 2, 2010 at 12:06 am

Men get a lot of flack for treating women like objects.  Which they do.  But women treat men like objects too.  Just not a sexual object.  Honestly, we have to keep our minds OFF of you if we want to have sex.  You’re a hairy ape, okay?  But I digress.

Women treat men more like game pieces.  To women, every man is just a game of Jenga, where we push and pull and see what comes loose until you’re completely destroyed.

Louis CK first brought this to my attention where he pointed out that men are always destroying things.  Whether it’s a toddler knocking over someone’s Legos or grown men at war, men think anything less than annihilation is acceptable.

Women, while still set on creating havoc, have a different method and target.  Women, and I am including myself in this statement, crush men’s souls by nature.  As prone as a man is to spread his seed amongst the womenfolk, women are set to trap one of those men and make him ours.  We have to make you fall in love with us on the off chance we need protection.  You are our bodyguards, and we are Britney Spears.  You are the Secret Service, and we are the president.  Woman = baby-maker, man = guard dog.  It’s elemental, but I don’t think men or women realize it.

I don’t think it’s out of malice that women are destroying men’s souls.  Just like men aren’t thinking of women as sexual objects not because they don’t have respect for them, but because sex is their favorite thing.  Women need to be loved, and if you can’t do it on your own, we’ll help you.

I’m not saying women are bad for destroying souls or men are bad for wanting to fuck everything.  But I don’t get so worked up about relationships when I remind myself of this fact.


In Communication, Entertainment and Nightlife, Food and Spirits, Health and Wellness, Home, Relationships, Work on November 24, 2010 at 7:38 pm

It’s Thanksgiving eve, and instead of celebrating the biggest party night of the year, I’m going to stay home and watch Chappelle’s Show.  I have a lot to be thankful for this year.  Let’s do a rundown.

I have health insurance.  I have already been to four doctors, and there are more lined up.

I have the most amazing friends in the world.  I am in awe of how truly smart, funny, kind, and beautiful the people are who let me hang around them.  I have a best friend who is like a sister to me.  I have friends who have helped me move multiple times in the past 10 years.  I have friends across the entire spectrum of age, beliefs, and backgrounds.  Different colors, different genders, different orientations, but they all manage to put up with me.

I have a dog.  She teaches me patience as well as being so cute it makes me kind of wince.

My parents are people that I would feel lucky to know, much less be their child.  I have more fun hanging out with them than just about anyone.  If you wonder where my confidence comes from, it’s from having parents who love me unconditionally and have never let me believe there was anything I couldn’t do.

Most of all, I’m thankful for faith.  I’m not going to get into a lot of religious stuff here, because my beliefs are mine and not your concern and vice versa.  But I’m really glad that I have faith, because that’s where the peace is.  Shit hits the fan on a regular basis.  My life has plenty of downers, trust me.  I could throw myself a little pity party and actually get people to show up out of sympathy.  There’s no sense in that, though.  I’d rather throw a birthday party and get people to show up out of desire for slap bracelets.

One of my credos is a morbid little ditty I saw at a deli in my neighborhood.  It said, “I don’t know how it will all turn out.  All I know is: I’ll end up dead in the end.  So what could go wrong?”  It’s just another way of saying life is short.  Like Oscar Wilde said, life is too important to be taken seriously.

Every day is my thanksgiving, because I would rather be grateful than complain.

I promise to bring back my asshole ways in the next post.

comfortably dumb

In Food and Spirits, Health and Wellness, Home on November 18, 2010 at 5:18 pm

I think a lot.  I analyze and then analyze my analysis.  My brain is usually going a hundred miles an hour.  Sometimes I forget what I’m talking about in the middle of the story because my brain has already moved on.

But now I’m sick.  Just a cold, nothing fatal, but one of the first symptoms I usually notice is clouded thinking.  I have a hard time focusing.  My reading comprehension goes down the tubes.  I can’t remember anything.  By the time someone has finished their question, I have forgotten it.

This means I’m completely useless when I’m sick.  I don’t think I’m too whiny, but I’m definitely a waste of space.  I’m too weak to get mundane tasks done, and too dumb to even read.  I just sit on the couch and stare at the television and then go to sleep, on repeat for 3 or 4 days.

By day 3, I’m itching for human contact.  I’ve become tired with computer-mediated communication and a nod to the mailman while I’m walking the dog.  I’m ready to slather myself in antibacterial soap and throw on a hospital mask and mingle with the masses.

Though, I will admit that it’s a nice break.  All that thinking wears me out after a while, so turning into a couch potato for a couple days is probably necessary for the batteries to recharge.  It just so happens that my battery juice is made of HGTV and Chinese food.

I just used all of my available brainpower for this post.  I hope I can still maintain bladder control.  I’m going to go sit in the bathtub for a while just in case.

safe dating

In Entertainment and Nightlife, Food and Spirits, Relationships on November 15, 2010 at 8:28 pm

I don’t go on a lot of dates.  Mostly because they tend to make me nauseated for at least 12 hours prior, but also because I resist structure.  Rules, authority, social norms… they all make me queasy.  I avoid attending ceremonies- funerals and weddings, church, even networking events have too much structure for me.  I need freedom.  FREEDOM!

But I went on a date.  It was fine.  It was fun, but I think we’re both feeling more of a friend vibe.  When he picked me up, I knew only his first name, his phone number, and that he owned turquoise pants.  Before I left, I emailed two friends and gave them his number. I told him immediately that I had done so, and he said what?  Do you think I’m going to kill you?  I said, no.  If I did, I wouldn’t have said yes to a date. On the other hand, I don’t want to end up in a Glamour article as the dead friend who should have known better.

I made it home from the date, completely unraped and unmurdered.  I’m not getting married, but it was fun times (after the nausea subsided) and it made me feel like a grownup.  Some parts were good (a sandwich from Melt), some parts were not as good (him driving away before I was inside).  Overall, I felt it was pretty successful, as my commitment-phobia usually extends to spending 2 hours with someone.

Give me another couple years, and I’ll feel safe enough to go on a second date.

a different kind of beer goggles

In Communication, Entertainment and Nightlife, Food and Spirits, Relationships on November 7, 2010 at 5:53 pm

Everyone is familiar with beer goggles (if not personally, at least conceptually).  Something about alcohol lowers our standards, our expectations, and sometimes our pants.  There is plenty of analysis on beer goggles out there (not to mention an Android app and Gmail setting to prevent booty calls/texts/emails).

It is time to bring to light an equally distressing result of alcohol’s side effects.  No, not liver cancer.  I’m talking about drunken friend-making.

Some people are mean drunks.  Some are sad drunks.  Some of us, however, are happy drunks.  While my drunkenness is rare, I do fall squarely into the happy drunk mold.  I love everyone.  I think everyone I meet is the most awesome person to walk the planet (I kind of feel like this sober too, but I digress).  I want to be best friends with everyone.

The next morning I have 7 new phone numbers in my cell phone but only a faint recollection of who they belong to (it’s even more difficult to distinguish them from each other).  I realize I’ve promised to help people move, find them jobs, start businesses together, and possibly serve as their lookout for some sort of investigation or surveillance or stalking of a past significant other.  While I avoid making promises in my regular, non-bar-based life, I am full of promises with a bit of vodka in my system.  The next morning, my regrets aren’t about a man in my bed so much as a to-do list.

Granted, I have actually made great friends on nights out drinking.  I have met wonderful people, had enlightening conversations, and most importantly, lived life in the moment.  The only problem is when living life in the moment leaves me indebted for the foreseeable future.

I’m sure I won’t be able to avoid making new friends and new promises when I’m wearing my goggles.  It’s considerably less likely to leave me with an incurable disease.  I’m sure that some of these drunken friends are just as glad as I am that we haven’t followed up on our promise to start a non-profit and save the world.

Still, please consider this post my disclaimer from any promises I make with a glass in my hand. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to help someone move.