Archive for the ‘Work’ Category

you get what you get and you don’t get upset

In Communication, News and Politics, Relationships, Technology, Work on July 26, 2011 at 12:15 am

The world doesn’t owe you anything.

You don’t deserve anything.

You might spend your whole life doing the best you can and still get dealt a shit hand.

Life, like love, is complicated and unfair and beautiful and horrific. I think a lot of unhappiness is based not on what occurs, but on your expectations. There are books and studies and theories and greeting cards based on the idea that it’s not what happens to you but how you handle it. Why wait? Why not start with, I’m not going to say lowered expectations, but a lack of entitlement.

Nothing is more 21st century American than feeling owed. People are mad that their iPhone doesn’t get service in such-and-such neighborhood. They can’t stand the injustice of inconvenient parking. White liberals in America love nothing more than feeling discriminated against. They will concoct reasons that their lives are hard. They are vegan. They are atheists. They eschew professional career paths. They live in “up-and-coming” neighborhoods.

I’m cynical, but I’m not pessimistic. In another post, I’ll tell you how my cynicism and optimism coexist peacefully (and optimally). But all you need to know for now is that, yeah, life can totally suck. But the resilience of the human spirit is what makes it all worth it.

all the news that’s fit to print

In Communication, Home, Sports, Work on March 28, 2011 at 12:33 am

It’s been quiet here at The Snarkler and I apologize. I would have fired the person responsible, but a) I am the person responsible, b) I don’t get paid anyway, and c) I’m a pretty understanding boss.

Part of what has kept me away is some good news- I will be writing a sports blog for Sports writing is pretty much my dream job, so I’m understandably excited and scared shitless. It’s a freelance gig, so I am still available for all of your furniture and mattress sales needs.

For the four readers who pay attention to this thing: I’ll still be writing on here, but the majority of my sports stuff will be on that blog. If you come here strictly for swear words, dick jokes, and poop philosophy, you’re in luck. I’ll will continue my sporadic and at-will writing on here.

The sports blog is yet to be named but will debut on April 25.  You don’t have to read it, but I would appreciate if you clicked on it a couple hundred times a day.

Despite its lack of valuable content, this totally counts as a post. Suck it, analytics!

charlie sheen is not cool

In Entertainment and Nightlife, Health and Wellness, Home, News and Politics, Science, Work on March 4, 2011 at 3:35 pm

As much as I hate to be one of the billion people talking about Charlie Sheen when there are far more important matters in the world (Libya, unions, Bockfest), I feel like mine might be a minority (or solitary) opinion.

Charlie Sheen is not cool.

He’s not funny. He’s not winning. He’s definitely not inspiring. He’s sick.

Whether his brain was fried before the drugs is up for debate. What isn’t up for debate is that this is a grown man with 5 children. What would be mildly entertaining if he were a 22-year-old guy drunk at a party is a serious problem when it’s a 45-year-old man with responsibilities he is ignoring. As quotable as he has been in the past few weeks, he has 4 children under the age of 10. His youngest two children are with a woman who has plenty of her problems of her own. I don’t think any of us suspected that Denise Richards would come out of this family looking like the smart one.

Charlie Sheen is tragic. The likelihood of this ending happily ever after is slim. The United States is cheering the destruction of a human being, while ignoring the thousands who are losing their livelihoods and their lives.

I hate to be such a Debbie Downer, trust me. I prefer to keep this and my Twitter account as light and as bummer-free as possible. But the admiration people are showing for Charlie Sheen is distressing. Mental illness isn’t cool. Drug abuse isn’t cool. Having a harem isn’t cool (no, really. It’s not).

Charlie Sheen is not cool.

And he’s definitely not winning.

don’t want your stacks, just crack my back

In Communication, Health and Wellness, Science, Work on February 20, 2011 at 3:28 pm

I was brought up to distrust chiropractors. I grew up in Detroit, where they had a reputation for offering to cure back pain, acne, cancer, and social awkardness. Needless to say, my parents were skeptical, and therefore, so was I. As another indication of how much my parents influence my choices, I still have never tasted a Brussel sprout, because both of my parents hate them.

My doubt about chiropractic was only enforced when I was in a car accident in 2006. As I was turning left onto a side street, a driver on the side street didn’t see me and pulled out and hit my car, t-bone style, directly into my driver’s side door. He had insurance, so my car (eventually) got fixed. Plus, I got to drive a Pontiac Grand Prix for a couple weeks, which feels like a race car compared to my Saturn.

One of my co-workers bugged me to go see a chiropractor, because after the accident, I had a problem with my back in that it hurt so much I couldn’t walk. I didn’t want to go, but finally, he bugged me so much that I went ahead and made an appointment to see his chiropractor. Without touching me once and only asking a couple of questions, the he told me I would have to come in 3 times a week for at least 6 months. So I left.

Fast forward 5 years, and my back is still messed up. Sometimes I throw it out in an attempt to carry things or bend over or walk. I’d get massages at the massage school where they would try to rub out the knot in my back, and I’d end up with bruises.

Then my mom’s best friend recommended that she go see a chiropractor in their town. My mom went, because she trusts her best friend even more than I trust my co-workers. And she liked him. She trusted him. And she felt better. I decided to give it another try.

I feel better. I’m a convert. But only for my chiropractor- I still won’t go to any other one. And not just because he’s hot (even though that obviously helps). But because he’s honest with me about what he can and can’t do, and he doesn’t try to get me to come see him more often that I want to (again, the hotness helps here). As much as I enjoy having hot guys on top of me, I wouldn’t pay $25 a pop for it if it didn’t cure back pain.

Now if there was only something he could do about my social awkwardness…


In Communication, Entertainment and Nightlife, Food and Spirits, Health and Wellness, Home, Relationships, Work on November 24, 2010 at 7:38 pm

It’s Thanksgiving eve, and instead of celebrating the biggest party night of the year, I’m going to stay home and watch Chappelle’s Show.  I have a lot to be thankful for this year.  Let’s do a rundown.

I have health insurance.  I have already been to four doctors, and there are more lined up.

I have the most amazing friends in the world.  I am in awe of how truly smart, funny, kind, and beautiful the people are who let me hang around them.  I have a best friend who is like a sister to me.  I have friends who have helped me move multiple times in the past 10 years.  I have friends across the entire spectrum of age, beliefs, and backgrounds.  Different colors, different genders, different orientations, but they all manage to put up with me.

I have a dog.  She teaches me patience as well as being so cute it makes me kind of wince.

My parents are people that I would feel lucky to know, much less be their child.  I have more fun hanging out with them than just about anyone.  If you wonder where my confidence comes from, it’s from having parents who love me unconditionally and have never let me believe there was anything I couldn’t do.

Most of all, I’m thankful for faith.  I’m not going to get into a lot of religious stuff here, because my beliefs are mine and not your concern and vice versa.  But I’m really glad that I have faith, because that’s where the peace is.  Shit hits the fan on a regular basis.  My life has plenty of downers, trust me.  I could throw myself a little pity party and actually get people to show up out of sympathy.  There’s no sense in that, though.  I’d rather throw a birthday party and get people to show up out of desire for slap bracelets.

One of my credos is a morbid little ditty I saw at a deli in my neighborhood.  It said, “I don’t know how it will all turn out.  All I know is: I’ll end up dead in the end.  So what could go wrong?”  It’s just another way of saying life is short.  Like Oscar Wilde said, life is too important to be taken seriously.

Every day is my thanksgiving, because I would rather be grateful than complain.

I promise to bring back my asshole ways in the next post.

show me the money

In Sports, Work on November 20, 2010 at 9:45 am

If you are unfamiliar with Cam Newton’s story, you can catch up here.  In short, Cam is a college football player who is being investigated on grounds he or his father asked schools for money in order to come play there.  This is against the rules.

For some reason, people are surprised when these kids ask for or take money from schools or agents or anyone who claims to have their best interests at heart.  College athletes are not allowed to have jobs while they are on scholarship.  They have their tuition, room and board, and books paid, and that’s about it.  Even if they were allowed to work, it would be difficult to do so- in addition to being a full-time student, a student-athlete has games, practices, meetings, and mandatory tutoring sessions.  They are lucky to have time to show up in class, much less to the job.

There has been a lot of debate on whether student-athletes should receive stipends.  Considering how many of these students come from a poor families, it’s almost a necessity to give them some sort of spending money.

As it stands, student-athletes don’t get stipends, they can’t have jobs, and they aren’t supposed to take the money dangled in front of them by agents or schools.  Any one of them is a blown knee away from losing their scholarship, their job prospects, and any chance of livelihood, but they aren’t supposed to plan for their future.

How many of these kids can afford to stay in school if they can’t play?  How close will they let them get to prosperity and keep them dangled on the string?  Schools make millions off of these students.  They are selling jerseys with 18-year-0lds’ names on them.  They have celebrities with all the fame and none of the money.

The president of the NCAA is new this year.  Because the NCAA is a non-profit organization, they don’t have to disclose the salary of their employees.  But, based on past tax records, he’s likely going to make close to $2 million.  The average football coach of a major college program is $1.3 million.  The kids who are leading with their cranium into oncoming traffic get free books and a meal plan.

I don’t know if stipends are the answer.  But as long as you’re putting kids out there without a backup plan, don’t be surprised if they have their hands in the pot.

Cam, I don’t care if you asked for money.  I just hope you got it.

all the world’s a sale

In Communication, Relationships, Work on November 9, 2010 at 8:00 pm

As much as I’d hate to admit it, Donald Trump has a point.

Stick with me on this one.

In an episode of The Apprentice (I have no idea when the episode aired; I read about it), when asked about his lackluster performance in a challenge, the candidate said he wasn’t an experienced salesman.  The Donald replied that everyone should be an experienced sales[person], because we are constantly selling ourselves.

I’m not going to dye my hair orange and comb it over my forehead, but I agree with the Donald.  We are constantly selling ourselves- as a potential employee, friend, mate, or friend-with-benefits.  When I was a professor, I considered my lectures to be my product.  It was my job to sell my students on it- i.e., get them to pay attention and give a shit.  The responsibility was mine.  I had to figure out my target demographic and how to get them to buy.

Dating is the same way.  You don’t lead with your weakness.  You do your hair, you dress up nice, you try to keep the stink to a minimum.  You mention all of the things about you that are awesome and not your lack of employment, criminal record, or irritable bowel.

I hate to think of myself as a product (I’m complicated, damn it!), but when we get down to it, we’re all just turds that need to be shined enough to sell.

For all potential suitors, I am employed and have no criminal record.  And, um… yeah.  That’s it.