Archive for the ‘Sports’ Category

all the news that’s fit to print

In Communication, Home, Sports, Work on March 28, 2011 at 12:33 am

It’s been quiet here at The Snarkler and I apologize. I would have fired the person responsible, but a) I am the person responsible, b) I don’t get paid anyway, and c) I’m a pretty understanding boss.

Part of what has kept me away is some good news- I will be writing a sports blog for Sports writing is pretty much my dream job, so I’m understandably excited and scared shitless. It’s a freelance gig, so I am still available for all of your furniture and mattress sales needs.

For the four readers who pay attention to this thing: I’ll still be writing on here, but the majority of my sports stuff will be on that blog. If you come here strictly for swear words, dick jokes, and poop philosophy, you’re in luck. I’ll will continue my sporadic and at-will writing on here.

The sports blog is yet to be named but will debut on April 25.  You don’t have to read it, but I would appreciate if you clicked on it a couple hundred times a day.

Despite its lack of valuable content, this totally counts as a post. Suck it, analytics!

let’s talk about sports, baby

In Beer, Communication, News and Politics, Sports on January 12, 2011 at 9:55 pm

As I’ve mentioned, I’m a huge sports fan.  I will watch any sport, except the Olympics, because that shit is boring.  It’s like 30 seconds of action and an hour of heartwarming stories about athletes overcoming adversity.  Blah blah blah.  I did watch hockey in the last Winter Games, because that was fun, and the only storyline was how kick-ass the United States finally was.

But in general, I’m all up for some sports-watching.  I have some sort of inherent coaching gene that enables me to have suggestions regardless of my knowledge of the sport.  I was at an indoor soccer match- not my strongest forte as far as sports go- but I still had plenty of advice for the goalie.  I can’t help but have ideas for athletes on how to be better at their job.  It’s kind of like childless people who know how to raise your personal children.  Those who can’t do, teach?  I cannot perform any sports-related activity without severely injuring and/or embarrassing myself.

There is only one thing that can take away from my complete enjoyment of a game.  Actually, two things, maybe three.  The announcers.  Whether they are repeating the same cliches (This player is clutch!), or slobbering over a particular player (I’m pretty sure that Tim Tebow should have a restraining order on Thom Brennaman), they never have enhanced my sports-watching experience.  You can’t fill air time with airheads, but that doesn’t stop networks from hiring former players or coaches who have nothing to say and have to make it up as they go along.

For an example of how truly bad sports announcers can be, I’d like to share with you an actual conversation that was featured in an NBA game I was watching.  Jeff Van Gundy (granted, the Van Gundys are not known for their tact) said he thought his family came over on the Pinta.  Then he asked Mark Jackson (who is black) what boat his ancestors took to America.  Mark Jackson, being a professional, overcame the temptation to make a statement, and just replied, “The Santa Maria.”

I wish that was the end of the story.  Van Gundy then proceeded to go on for about 5 minutes (which is an eternity in TV time) about how surprised he was that Mark Jackson caught the reference and how he must have paid attention in history class.  To recap, he first asked a black man how his ancestors got to America, and then proceeded to condescendingly compliment the same man on his knowledge of basic American history.  And he got paid handsomely to do so.

Often, when I’m watching major sporting events, I keep my Tweetdeck up.  There are a couple of gentlemen on the Twitter that make up for the nonsense being spewed on air.  DJ Gallo, the man behind sports satire site Sports Pickle, is The Onion’s answer to sports news.  He loves sports, but has perspective.  In that, it’s still just boys playing a game.  Mike Freeman, who writes for CBS Sports, is another favorite.  I would much rather listen to these two talk than any professional sportscaster.  I’d also prefer watching them (hellooooo nurse!).

ESPN and sports radio and game broadcasts are facing the same problem as cable news: how do we fill all this space?  It becomes a matter of quantity over quality (I cannot keep track of how many ESPN channels there are).  Since there is less reporting in sports (usually, they either won the game or they didn’t), there’s more analysis.  Sportscenter is shown 12 times per day, and then they intersperse it with Around the Horn, Pardon the Interruption, and (excuse me while I hold back vomit) The Jim Rome Show, where people talk about the things they talked about on Sportscenter.

I love you, sports.  But mostly with the mute on.

i’m just a girl

In Communication, Entertainment and Nightlife, Home, Relationships, Sports on January 1, 2011 at 1:18 pm

I am not a girly girl.  There are some aspects to my personality that are decidedly feminine.  I love makeup and fashion.  I watch HGTV all the time.  I still get giggly and play with my hair when I’m flirting with some dude.

But then, I’m a sports fanatic.  I know more about baseball than most men – not just trivia but strategy.  I was 4th overall in points in my fantasy football league this season.  One of the top 3 moments in my life is being on the 18th green when Tiger Woods came back to win the Memorial Tournament in Dublin, Ohio.  My dream job is General Manager of a baseball or football team.  (Mike Brown, did you hear that?). 

I hate chick flicks.  I would rather poke myself in the eye for 90 minutes than watch The Notebook.  If I can sit still long enough to watch a movie, it better have sophomoric humor, car chases, and/or guns.  Pineapple Express, thy name is Trifecta of Awesome. 

I have zero desire to get in touch with my feelings.  In fact, the further I can push them to the back of my brain, the better.  I’m a commitment-phobe to what is probably a disturbing degree.  I have had essentially one boyfriend, and it lasted about 4 months, tops.  My only long-term relationship has been with Verizon Wireless (12 years, going strong!).  While I expect to eventually get married, I imagine it will be more of a “hey, let’s get married.”  “Okay, is the courthouse open?”  And, we’re married.  And maybe I’ll tell people at some point.  But I don’t want a diamond and I don’t want a dress.  A honeymoon would be nice, though.  And I ain’t gonna tell you about that, either.

It’s not easy being such a dude of a girl.  For some reason, guys are not always excited about girls who win arguments about sports.  Girls don’t trust me – I guess they see me as enemy territory.  Like I will lure away their men with my arguments for changing NCAA football to a playoff system.  I don’t dislike girly girls.  I just don’t get them.  I don’t get being mad at a guy who doesn’t like me.  I don’t get caring what someone says about my body.  I don’t get wanting to watch a movie knowing it will make me cry for 6 hours.  I don’t get how a vampire and a brat makes for a fairy tale.  I don’t get giving a shit over Valentine’s Day.

But still.  I enjoy being a girl.

show me the money

In Sports, Work on November 20, 2010 at 9:45 am

If you are unfamiliar with Cam Newton’s story, you can catch up here.  In short, Cam is a college football player who is being investigated on grounds he or his father asked schools for money in order to come play there.  This is against the rules.

For some reason, people are surprised when these kids ask for or take money from schools or agents or anyone who claims to have their best interests at heart.  College athletes are not allowed to have jobs while they are on scholarship.  They have their tuition, room and board, and books paid, and that’s about it.  Even if they were allowed to work, it would be difficult to do so- in addition to being a full-time student, a student-athlete has games, practices, meetings, and mandatory tutoring sessions.  They are lucky to have time to show up in class, much less to the job.

There has been a lot of debate on whether student-athletes should receive stipends.  Considering how many of these students come from a poor families, it’s almost a necessity to give them some sort of spending money.

As it stands, student-athletes don’t get stipends, they can’t have jobs, and they aren’t supposed to take the money dangled in front of them by agents or schools.  Any one of them is a blown knee away from losing their scholarship, their job prospects, and any chance of livelihood, but they aren’t supposed to plan for their future.

How many of these kids can afford to stay in school if they can’t play?  How close will they let them get to prosperity and keep them dangled on the string?  Schools make millions off of these students.  They are selling jerseys with 18-year-0lds’ names on them.  They have celebrities with all the fame and none of the money.

The president of the NCAA is new this year.  Because the NCAA is a non-profit organization, they don’t have to disclose the salary of their employees.  But, based on past tax records, he’s likely going to make close to $2 million.  The average football coach of a major college program is $1.3 million.  The kids who are leading with their cranium into oncoming traffic get free books and a meal plan.

I don’t know if stipends are the answer.  But as long as you’re putting kids out there without a backup plan, don’t be surprised if they have their hands in the pot.

Cam, I don’t care if you asked for money.  I just hope you got it.

don’t send chicks pictures of your junk

In Relationships, Sports, Technology on November 3, 2010 at 7:27 pm

I really don’t understand sexting.  Maybe it’s because I’m too old (at 31, I’m ancient in terms of technology, modeling, and professional sports), but I don’t get the interest in looking at a 2″ square picture of a naked? body.

Call me a prude, but I haven’t flashed anyone.  You have to earn this shit.  I see no point in leading men on by flashing them- they will naturally think that the next step is that they get to touch them.  No, you don’t.

Even more bizarre is the epidemic of men sending pictures of their dicks to women.  There are a few problems with this.

  • Pictures of dicks aren’t difficult to get.  In fact, I could go up to nearly any random man at a bar and ask to see his dick and he will be more than willing to oblige.  You are not sending me something unique.  There is no mystique to a picture of your dick.
  • Dicks aren’t sexy.  We don’t get off by looking at dicks.  Honestly, they tend to ruin the mood.  What the hell am I supposed to do with a picture of your dick besides make fun of it with my friends?  Hmm… yeah, go ahead and send it.
  • Once you’ve sent it, you can’t un-send.  As Brett Favre has discovered, pictures of your dick are never seen only by the intended recipient (see above for why).  All too often, the senders of dick pictures are men who shouldn’t be sending dick pictures- married men, bosses, gay priests, and members (haha) of Congress.

I understand that smartphones are the wave of the future.  Suddenly, the world is in your pocket, and that’s a powerful thing.  But the other thing in your pants?  The world prefers if you keep it there.